Posts Tagged ‘western’


34

Dogbad 34 – Meet Overton Cuspidore!

1.Señor Hsss and the tortoise confront each other. “What’s the big idea?”, demands the tortoise. Señor Hsss replies: “You took the words right out of my mouth!”

2.Hsss picks up his sombrero and goads the tortoise with cool detachment: “Sorry I spoiled your nap, Daddy-o!” The Tortoise is losing control.”NAP!?? You always barge into peoples’ office?”

3.”This is my OFFICE!” shouts the Tortoise. He is genuinely offended at what he considers an intrusion on his personal space.

4.”Office?” Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss look around in wonderment. The desert around them does not resemble any office either of them has ever seen.

5.The Tortoise brandishes a passport-sized identification document bearing his picture, name and place of employment: “Cuspidore, Overton. Goldmine Sacks Employee Number 9069408000.” “I’m a compliance officer at Goldmine-Sacks”, he brags.

6.”That’s WEIRD”, replies Señor Hsss. Cuspidore shoots back:”WEIRD? I have a stesdy job with a major Wall Street firm and I’m WEIRD?” He gestures behind with his thumb toward the assorted rocks and cacti and appears to address them:”HEY.FELLAS! I got a friggin’ snake in a sombrero, with a Fu Manchu mustache over here telling me what “weird” is!”

7.Like a Greek chorus in a bad peyote trip, the entire landscape animates to exclaim as one being:”WE ALL WORK FOR GOLDMINE SACKS!”

8.Señor Hsss opens his mouth as if to scream in protest, but nothing comes out. His voice box is frozen. Who ever heard a talking snake scream, anyway?


Dogbad 35 – Hot Snow!

35

Dogbad 35 – Hot Snow!

1.Señor Hoss is shaking Señor Hsss. “Señor Hsss! Wake up! It’s time!”Hsss is unknowingly dragged kicking and screaming from his nightmare of Goldmine Sacks.”MAL DIEU! What a horrible dream!”

2.As Señor Hsss emerges from the hypnogogic world he sees that the two of them are standing on a redrock cliff,overlooking a gigantic peaceful valley.”I don’t see amything” says Hsss.”Amy minnit now…” replies Hosss. It is past midnight, just before the first black thread of dawn.

3.WHOOOOMB! The peace of the valley is suddenly reduced to sub atomic particles.

4.Blinded by the unimaginably bright flash, the pair’s eyes gradually regain function- they see a burning orange bright mushroom cloud growing from the opposite side of the valley. “I’ll be the donkey’s mulberry!” Stutters Hoss. “Chup Bash!” spits Señor Hsss.

5.Hoss and Hss both feel an unfamiliar warm sensation on their skins. The discover a shower of micro-fine white particulate matter descending from the first heaven. “Is it snowing?” asks Señor Hoss, “There can’t be that much dandruff in the air!”

6.Señor Hsss catches some of the stuff on his tongue. It burns. “HOT SNOW?”, he asks aloud.

7.Señor Hsss wants none of it. “Let’s go hine!” he insists. Señor Hoss does not even consider it- he looks down at Señor Hoss, arguing: “WHAT! We came all this way, missed the sunset, didn’t see the sunrise, and now you want to go HOME?”

8.”Sob the sum rise” says Señor Hsss. “I’m goim’ hone.” It is not clear if he is transposing his consonants intentionally, or if he is displaying the effects of radiation sickness.He paraphrases an old song: “You want to see the sum rise? Just sit there and stare.” In the foreground, a red-complexioned stranger surveys our scene.


Dogbad 38 – Discus Ted is Disgusted: “You yeggs are outa here!”

Dogbad 38

DOGBAD 38 – Discus Ted is Disgusted: “You yeggs are outa here!”

1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucus hubub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank.”Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Could Ted be referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.”
Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of… Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 39

Dogbad 39

Dogbad 39 – The Devil’s Halitosis

1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inference:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomach. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodeled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 40

Dogbad 40

Dogbad 40 – The Psychic Veterinarian

1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?”"Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.”"I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.


Dogbad 15

Dogbad 41

Dogbad 41 – “If urinalysis, what’s that make me?”

1.The town’s Assayer Mister Wurlitzer has identified a high content of native gold in Señor Hsss’ urine sample (see episode 11). Señor Hsss suddenly appears in the Assay Office (fleeing from the searching eyes of Discus Ted), Mr Wurlitzer is at first startled, but quickly puts on a phony grin.

2.Out of breath, Señor Hsss attempts to regain his composure while re-introducing himself to Wurlitzer:”Hello, my name is Hsss- Rudolfo Hsss, and I left a sample here. It was a liquid sample, purple in color.”

3.Mister Wurlitzer: “Hello, my friend! I’ve been wondering what became of you. I’m sure you eager to learn the results of your tests. Unfortunately the results are inconclusive. As I feared, the sample you submitted was too small to determine. We must have a larger sample- MUCH larger. Do not despair- We can easily submit another sample. I am fully confident we can arrive at a range of results that are entirely satisfactory.There is no charge, you understand, no fee whatsoever. Our testing procedures are very accurate.”

4.Mister Wurlitzer shows Señor Hsss to an outdoor privy behind the building. “Please be my guest and take as long as you need. Your privacy is assured.”

5.He produces a huge ten-gallon jug for Señor Hsss to fill: “Just fill this up to the top, ring the bell when you’re finished, and I’ll come and collect the bottle.”

6.Just in case Señor Hsss isn’t getting the message, Mister Wurlitzer gently ushers him inside the outhouse…”Get IN there!”

7.Wurlitzer locks him in! “Take your time”, he mutters with a wicked grin.

8.Señor Hsss is locked inside the outhouse alone with the jug! What to do, what to do?


Dogbad 42

Locked in the Outhouse

Dogbad 42 –
“How am I going to get out of here?”

1.Señor Hsss has been locked in an outhouse by Mister Wurlitzer the Dogbad town Assayer. Mr Wurlitzer has identified a high content of native gold in Señor Hsss’ urine sample and he won’t let him out until he fills a ten-gallon jug with the precious fluid.

2.Señor Hsss looks for a way out. He sees the decorative moon-shaped hole cut in the upper door: “Looks like that little opening is the only way out”, he says to himself.

3.He looks back at one of the holes cut in the wooden seat, and the squadron of flies hovering above it: “Unless-” “NO- I’m not that desperate.” It’s not a difficult decision.

4.Hissy begins to try to work his way through the small opening in the door, nose first: “Here goes nuttin’- NNGH! ANGH! EYEHH… AF-! UF-!” It hurts.

5.He succeeds in squeezing his head through the little crescent hole, sombrero and all (not shown, of course), but can move no further. He panics. “GRAWWLG!” “I’M STUCK!” “Ennn!!” “Enn-!” “Eeenngg!” “Uhh…” Señor Hsss knows full well how rediculous he must look from the outside. He’s got to extricate himself before anybody sees him. What if Michael McClure were to walk by and hear him?

6.Señor Hsss pulls and tugs with all his might. Suddenly he crashes free with a loud “PUT!” and bounces his head painfully off the back wall of the privy.

7.He regards his nose, throbbing with pain and moulded into the shape of the wooden hole. “It’s no use.”, he sighs to no one in particular. Then he remembers, there is another possibility- the “third wall”!

8.Señor Hsss turns and faces you, the reader and earnestly appeals for help: “Can anyone out there reach the JPEG settings?”.

TAGS: alternative, animals, Animation, arizona, Cartoons, Catfish Rushdie, Charlie Sheen, Comics, Dogbad, drug testing, flying, Funny Animals, gold bullion, independent, original art, out house, outhouse, outhouses, pets, psychedelic, rattlesnakes, robert steinhilber, satire, señor Hsss, Snakes, the third wall, underground, urinalysis, web comic, Western


Dogbad 43

Trajectory is my middle name!

Dogbad 43 – “I must be higher than Charlie Sheen!”

1.Señor Hsss remains locked inside the outhouse (see episode 16). He’s tried everything he could to get out. There’s a small crescent-shaped air hole in the locked door. He’s much too large to fit through the hole in the door; he only hurt his nose when he tried. Suddenly Hsss conceives a desperate gambit: if he receives enough JPEG COMPRESSION, maybe, just maybe, hecan squeeze through that hole! He turns toward the readers: “Did you locate the jpeg settings? See where it says “IMAGE OPTIONS”- PULL IT TO THE LEFT TO ABOUT ’6′.

2.Señor Hsss gets compressed- he’s gone all fuzzy. “THERE- That’s more like it!”

3.”Here goes!” Hsss takes aim and leaps at the small sliver of blue shining through the hole. “P-P-H-P-P-H-PP-PP-H-T-T-t-T-t-T-T-t-t-t!!” He hits the door hard.

4.”NGNGN!! NNNN!” Señor Hsss has managed to squeeze about halfway through. “I- NEED- MORE- COMPRESSION!”

5.Hsss sags in exaustion: “OWwwLLrrRAaghhu….,” he moans,”It’s still not enough.” Again he appeals to someone, anyone who is reading this strip.”Take her down to ’1′.”

6.He pulls again with all his might. “POP”- Suddenly, he is sailing through the sky above the town!

7.Señor Hsss soars through the air above the town of Dogbad! “WHEE! Trajectory is my middle name! I must be higher than Charlie Sheen!”


44 – Look Out Below!

Senor Hsss is losing altitude

Dogbad 44 – Look Out Below!

1. “I’m losing altitude!” Señor Hsss says to himself, as he begins to fall from orbit. Having popped through the hole in the outhouse door with all the force of his serpentine mucles (snakes are strong!), he propelled himself, projected high above the town of Dogbad. It’s a magnificent view, while it lasts.

2. There below, in the dirt and dust of Dogbad High Street, Señor Hoss, the Debbil and Kit McKlaw stare amazed as their scaly friend rapidly approaches from above. Señor Hsss gives a polite warning: “”Lookout below!”

3. Predictably, Señor Hsss crashes to earth with a large Don-Martinese sound: “THOOONT!”

4. “Just call me ‘Tory’”, quips the compressed Hssster. If Trajectory is his middle name, he’s a tragic Tory in a Majick Story.

5. Suddenly, a heavy wheeled object ZOOMs past, mussing everyone’s fur, scales,and stubble.

6. “WHAT the DUESENBERG was THAT?”, they ask. They are taken by surprise, but they got the ‘make’ right. Amidst wind, dust and fumes a 1930 Duesenberg speeds down the High Street toward the newly-expended and expanded Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gulag Gambling casino. Neither Hsss, nor Hoss nor McKlaw has ever set foot in this notorious establishment. As for mesure le Diable, they wouldn’t hazard to guess.

7. Stopping in front of the main entrance we see the dapper figure of the Snake Shaman stepping out with his date, the glamorous Miss Condomleeza Cobra.

8. The quartet stand mute for a moment before they recognise the Snake Shaman. Señor Hsss is lost for words. “It’s the Shaman!”, exclaims Kit. “What’s he doing THERE?”, wonders Hoss. Perhaps we’ll find out…


45

Dogbad 45

Dogbad 45 – Meet Mister Duckbutter

1. Señor Hsss is rattling with excitement over the unexpected sight of his serpent-guru, the Snake Shaman. “We’ve got to see the Shaman- He’ll help us! He knoes EVERYTHING!” “Oh, really?”, replies Kit McKlaw. Kit’s not so sure. He’s had dealings with the Shaman once before, and regards him as little more than a cranky old fool who’s spent too much time in the sun. Hoss is ambivalent, and looks askance. The Debbil just looks.

2. Señor Hoss speaks his equine mind: “I do not share your abiding faith in that shaggy shamanist, my serpent friend, but I’m game for anything if it will remove this unsightly blemish.” He points his hoof at the execrable attachment on his back, and the Debbil responds with a razzle-berry in Hoss’s direction. How could an entity so old act so immature?

3. The contradistinctive quartet approaches the front entrance to the Golden Derivative Guarenteed Safe Gambling Casino. The polished, oversized double doors are guarded by a thin, over-dressed doorman. An obnoxiously obsequious creature, one Mister Herschel Duckbutter, snaps to attention and robotically dribbles out what is perhaps the slimiest expression in contemporary language: “May I help you?” “Yes-” replies Señor Hsss, “We’re meeting someone” continues Hoss, “Inside” finishes McKlaw.

4. Mister Duckbutter gleefully recites his well-rehearsed, opprobrious address: “I’m terribly sorry, sirs- we DO have a dress code for the gentlemen. Please feel free to visit our website for full details.”

5. Our boys do not resond well to this approach. “Why that prissy little high-toned jimcrack-!” seethes Hsss. “I’d like to stomp his girlfriend’s pet gerbil. We’re ten times badder than this phony fag bar.” “Cool your scales, Hissy-” replies Kit, “we’ll show ‘em OUR dress code.” McKlaw has no time for gerbils. Neither of them have a moment to waste trying to imagine what a Duckbutter’s girlfriend would look like, if he had one.

6. Kit and Hsss step around back of the building where a steady traffic of workers and over-loaded linen trolleys move in and out of the hotel’s steamy laundry complex. “There are other ways to gain entry” notes Kit McKlaw.

7. Inside the casino, upstairs, a dangerous looking pair of serpent gunsels guards the door of a private room, in which a high-stakes poker game is about to be underway.

8. At the head of the table sits the smiling Snake Shaman, his girl on his arm as he proffers a fresh deck of cards to his off-camera opponent: “Here- you deal.”