Posts Tagged ‘Senor Hoss’


Into The Mountains

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1. The sum has setted and it is now night time. Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss climb higher and higher into the hills to the remote mountains outside the town of Dogbad.

2. On a high mountain pass they find an ancient road sign. Beside the trail they spy an lonely sentinel: the shell of a desert tortoise apparently abandoned by its occupant. “What’s this?” asks Señor Hoss.

3. Señor Hsss decides to have a closer look: “Anybody HOME?”

4. After removing his sombrero (not shown), Señor Hsss impertinently sticks his head inside and continues to ask, “HELLO- Anybody HOME?”

5. The answer is “SNAP!” The carapace-house-holder is mightily displeased with the intrusion and bites the unwelcome intruder on the nose. Señor Hoss looks on in horror.

6. Señor Hsss screams with pain. Señor Hoss looks on with alarm.

7. Señor Hoss tries to rescue Señor Hsss by pulling him free. The tortoise is having none of it and his vice-like jaws will not slacken. A tug-of-war ensues between Señor Hoss and the tortoise, with Señor Hsss suffering the worst of it.

8. Señor Hoss does not notice a strange vulture descending from the fourth heaven, lighting upon the sign post.


Purple Pee

On their way home from the mountains Senor Hsss has to urinate…every five minutes! As if that weren’t bad enough, he’s not just peeing, he’s peeing purple, with little gold flecks. Senor Hoss is markedly unsympathetic.

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1.Senor Hsss is staring from behind a boulder. He flicks his tongue as his snake eyes burn through you.
“SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

2.Senor Hsss is grimacing and straining- streams of purple droplets spray the rock:
“SSS…SSSS…SSS!”

3.Senor Hsss has finished peeing on the rock. He is disturbed by what he sees- his urine has turned a bright purple, flecked with gold!

4.He yells to Senor Hoss standing nearby. “HOSS- Lookee here!” Hoss: “I don’t want to look!” Hsss:”NO, listen! Every time I pee-”

5.Hoss interrupts: “YOU, PEE? Snakes pee?” He continues in a sarcastic tone of voice. “I never knew that. Thanks for sharing.” “NO” exclaims Senor Hsss, “Hossy, this is serious.”

6.Hssy continues,”Ever since we came off the mountain for the last couple of days I’ve been peeing PURPLE… with little gold flecks”.
His concern is evident.

7.Senor Hoss stands silently regarding this development. Senor Hsss is worried- he looks up at Senor Hoss,
hoping his equine friend will proffer some good solution.

8.Senor Hoss has a sudden Eureka: “Lets head for the ASSAY OFFICE!”


Discus Ted Gets Mad & Hoss Goes to Jail with the Debbil

Authors Note: I spell ‘jail’ G-A-O-L- sometimes. Look it up if you have a problem.

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1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucous hubbub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank: “Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Author’s Note: Could Ted be slyly referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.” Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of…Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 13

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1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inferrance:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomache. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodelled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 14

Dr P. T. Expensive, Psychic Veterinarian

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1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?””Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.””I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.


DOGBAD 29 – A Reptile Of Interest

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1.Senor Hoss and Senor Hsss while away the workday drinking in the Dogbad Saloon. Senor Hoss has imbibed to the point where he feels comfortable enough to pose a question that has been bothering his fine equine mind: “Senor Hsss, ken I ask you a personal question?” Senor Hsss: “Shoot.”

2.Senor Hoss take this literally and, out of thin air, produces his faithful blunderbus (named WOOLY BULLY). In a nano-instant he has squeezed Wooly Bully’s trigger and Wooly Bully exclaims:”BLAM!”

3.The concussion sent Senor Hsss’ sombrero spinning as he ducked to avoid the shot. Sr Hsss glares at Senor Hoss:”I speckted you’d do that. “Sr Hoss laughs: “I speckted you would!”

4.Sr Hsss recovers his composure and re-arranges his sombrero. Sr Hsss: “Go ahead- ask your question.”

5.Senor Hoss puts it blunt: “What’s up with that new cult you joined?”

6.Senor Hsss blows it top at this: “CULT?” “Do you refer to the SOCRATIC CIRCLE of the SNAKE SHAMAN?”

7.Senor Hsss is so digusted with Senor Hoss’ characterization of his club as a “cult”, his first instinct is to display an air of pretentious arrogance, and faux-sympathetic patrionization: “Pas du tout! I am sorry for you my friend. Really, I am. I see now that your peculiarly personal species of gross philistine ignorance stems from depths even darker than I had imagined.”

8.Senor Hsss explains it all to Senor Hoss: “The Socratic Circle of the Snake Shaman (may the hierarchy of saurian evolution exhalt his stature) is not in any sense a “cult”, no, no, not in any sense whatsoever-” “…for your information we are, in fact, an officially designated Terrorist Organization!”


DOGBAD 30- Bouncing Out Of Dogbad

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1. Interior: Dogbad Saloon in the late afternoon. Here we meet the Saloon Landlord, former Olympian bronze medallist Theodore Simon Alvin David “Discus Ted” O’Neil. Discus Ted wastes no words in simultaneously describing his mood and his moniker: “I am Discus Ted. You are scaring my patrons.” These remarks are directed on the endeaffened ears of Señors Hsss and Hoss, who have lowered their consciousness by toasting and drinking each other into a solemn stupor.
2. Having partook Discus Ted’s micro-brewing, Hsss & Hoss experience his macro-bouncing. This isn’t the first time he’s drop-kicked them both out, and it won’t likely be the last.
3. Refuse is hurled to underline the point.
4. Hsss & Hoss consider the awakening a coarse one. Hsss: “Talk about non grata!” Hoss: “How, very, very rude!”
5. Señor Hsss examines his soiled and crushed sombrero. He sees right away it will require expensive re-blocking. What an inconvenience! He may have to send it abroad. What will he wear? It’s the only hat he’s got. Señor Hoss asks: “Where to now?” It’s getting late.
6. It doesn’t take Hsssy long to think of a plan: “Less goap the mountain and wash the sun sit!”
7. Hoss thinks this is a Boney Day and says so. Pleased with his idea, Señor Hsss congratulates himself: “Farm Edible!”
8. The sum is sitting in the distant maghreb, but it may as well sit right on top of Señors Hsss and Hoss as they pass beyond the town’s outer limits. If they notice the notice posted by Dogbad Sheriff D D Divtag, we don’t notice: “DON’T LET THE SUN SET ON YOU HERE, REPTILE.”


DOGBAD 31 Hoss Gets Bipedal

DOGBAD 31 “Hoss Gets Bipedal”

1.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss have hit the road- observe how the road will hit them back. They are going to hike up the mountain to see the sunset, but the sun has the jump on them- it set before they got very far past the town limit. Hoss is eager to shed his role as a socially-acceptable quadruped, and announces his intention as soon as the pair are out of earshot of any Dogbad Town dogs.
“I suppose we’re out of town far enough.”

2.Hoss stretches his back and stands up on his hind laegs without missing a beat: “UuhhooOoEeee! Uzzat feel GOOD!”

3.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss walk on. Señor Hoss: “I am SO tired of walking on all fours.”

4.Hoss unloads his frustrations: “All my friends know I’m bipedal…those town dogs don’t get it.”

5.Hoss: “Just TRY to stand up and walk on your own two feet- just TRY.”

6.Señor Hoss continues: “Them town-dogs look at you like you’re some kind of…”

7. “…ANARCHIST!”

8. Señor Hsss has a surprise in store for his pal: “Wall then, give the anarchist a SEGAR!”


34

Dogbad 34 – Meet Overton Cuspidore!

1.Señor Hsss and the tortoise confront each other. “What’s the big idea?”, demands the tortoise. Señor Hsss replies: “You took the words right out of my mouth!”

2.Hsss picks up his sombrero and goads the tortoise with cool detachment: “Sorry I spoiled your nap, Daddy-o!” The Tortoise is losing control.”NAP!?? You always barge into peoples’ office?”

3.”This is my OFFICE!” shouts the Tortoise. He is genuinely offended at what he considers an intrusion on his personal space.

4.”Office?” Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss look around in wonderment. The desert around them does not resemble any office either of them has ever seen.

5.The Tortoise brandishes a passport-sized identification document bearing his picture, name and place of employment: “Cuspidore, Overton. Goldmine Sacks Employee Number 9069408000.” “I’m a compliance officer at Goldmine-Sacks”, he brags.

6.”That’s WEIRD”, replies Señor Hsss. Cuspidore shoots back:”WEIRD? I have a stesdy job with a major Wall Street firm and I’m WEIRD?” He gestures behind with his thumb toward the assorted rocks and cacti and appears to address them:”HEY.FELLAS! I got a friggin’ snake in a sombrero, with a Fu Manchu mustache over here telling me what “weird” is!”

7.Like a Greek chorus in a bad peyote trip, the entire landscape animates to exclaim as one being:”WE ALL WORK FOR GOLDMINE SACKS!”

8.Señor Hsss opens his mouth as if to scream in protest, but nothing comes out. His voice box is frozen. Who ever heard a talking snake scream, anyway?


Dogbad 35 – Hot Snow!

35

Dogbad 35 – Hot Snow!

1.Señor Hoss is shaking Señor Hsss. “Señor Hsss! Wake up! It’s time!”Hsss is unknowingly dragged kicking and screaming from his nightmare of Goldmine Sacks.”MAL DIEU! What a horrible dream!”

2.As Señor Hsss emerges from the hypnogogic world he sees that the two of them are standing on a redrock cliff,overlooking a gigantic peaceful valley.”I don’t see amything” says Hsss.”Amy minnit now…” replies Hosss. It is past midnight, just before the first black thread of dawn.

3.WHOOOOMB! The peace of the valley is suddenly reduced to sub atomic particles.

4.Blinded by the unimaginably bright flash, the pair’s eyes gradually regain function- they see a burning orange bright mushroom cloud growing from the opposite side of the valley. “I’ll be the donkey’s mulberry!” Stutters Hoss. “Chup Bash!” spits Señor Hsss.

5.Hoss and Hss both feel an unfamiliar warm sensation on their skins. The discover a shower of micro-fine white particulate matter descending from the first heaven. “Is it snowing?” asks Señor Hoss, “There can’t be that much dandruff in the air!”

6.Señor Hsss catches some of the stuff on his tongue. It burns. “HOT SNOW?”, he asks aloud.

7.Señor Hsss wants none of it. “Let’s go hine!” he insists. Señor Hoss does not even consider it- he looks down at Señor Hoss, arguing: “WHAT! We came all this way, missed the sunset, didn’t see the sunrise, and now you want to go HOME?”

8.”Sob the sum rise” says Señor Hsss. “I’m goim’ hone.” It is not clear if he is transposing his consonants intentionally, or if he is displaying the effects of radiation sickness.He paraphrases an old song: “You want to see the sum rise? Just sit there and stare.” In the foreground, a red-complexioned stranger surveys our scene.