Posts Tagged ‘rattlesnakes’


Dogbad 25 – Back On The Street

The Snake Shaman invites the uninvited trio to leave.

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1. The Snake Shaman finally rises from his seat to firmly but politely explains to McKlaw, Señor Hoss and Señor Hsss that they must leave, and pronto.The three stand mute, like chasened children. “Now that’s settled”, the Shaman entreats, “will you all please exit quietly and allow me to find my friends so we can resume our card game?”

2. McKlaw and the two Señors retreat back onto the street. It is now dark, past ten o’clock. Kit is philosophical, as usual: “Maybe we should all just go along and enjoy ourselves… the evening’s still young.” “That’s easy for you to say”, grumbles Señor Hoss.

3. Hoss is mired in doubt about what it all means. “I still don’t get it. None of it adds up.” Señor Hsss feels happier, convinced that the mysterious sage has not only relieved their annoying condition, but imparted a deep life-lesson to them in the process. “He’s right though-” says Hsss emphatically, “the Shaman…”

4. “Snakes DON’T pee”, he warbles, eyes heavenward.

5. “Be that as it may”, interrupts McKlaw, “why don’t we just mosey on up and drink about it a while?” Kit alludes to the immediate proximity of the Dogbad Saloon, which is currently open for business as usual. “You got any money?”, asks Señor Hsss.

6. Kit reaches deep into his side vest-pocket, feeling something of weight inside. “I think so”, he replies.

7. McKlaw hefts something inside the pocket that he doesn’t remember putting there. He pulls it out and gazes at what he now has in his hand- a green glass pint liquor bottle with something inside that’s definitely not liquor! “What’s THIS?” he asks aloud.

8. The bottle lets off an eerie glow and feels uncomfortably warm to the touch. Corked there inside the bottle, peering back at the world into the eyes of the very same three undocumented cartoon characters who thought they’d seen the last of him, they see the crouching figure of Dipple-O-Doakus, the Debbil himself!


DOGBAD 26

At the bar in the Dogbad Saloon, Kit McKlaw, Señor Hoss and Señor Hsss consider their prospects.

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1. Señor Hoss sees the Debbil in the whiskey bottle and blows a fuse! The mere sight of the diabolic little guy drives him into a Hossy fit. Just when he thought he was finally relieved of his obnoxious presence!

2. They walk through the swinging doors into the Dogbad Saloon. Kit tries to calm Hoss. He throws his arm aroud Señor Hoss’ neck and smiles reassuringly: “Now, Hoss- Quit worryin’!”

3. They belly up to the bar. “Isn’t it better to have him corked up in this little bottle?” asks Kit. “I guess so…” replies Hoss, “better in your pocket than on my backside.”

4. McKlaw hoists a beer and assures Señor Hoss that there is no need for concern so long as they are careful with the Debbil in the bottle: “We’ll just keep an eye on him at all times.”

5. Señor Hsss injects a note of caution. “What if he gets out? What if the bottle breaks?”

6. It’s enough to chill Señor Hoss. “Don’t even THINK about it”, he asserts.

7. Señor Hsss, Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw eye the pint-sized Debbil with a mixture of apprehension and fascination. Dipple O’Doakus can hear everything they say. He grins and poses inside the bottle. “He IS a cute little devil” observes Señor Hsss. “He’s a darlin’ devil- a DARLIN’ devil!”, agrees McKlaw.

8. “I know”, grumbles Hoss. “That’s the PROBLEM.”


DOGBAD 27 THE SNAKE SHAMAN- Whence and whither?

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1.The dasht- we call it the desert. High in a remote mountainous region, known to us crackers only as an enormous blank area on our maps, a lone figure slowly makes his way across the horizon.
2.From out of the purple mountains’ majesty comes the Snake Shaman. Nobody knows the Shaman’s real name. He won’t tell. Only the snakes know his name, and they know the Snake Shaman better than anybody.
3.When the Snake Shaman beckons the snakes follow. These noble reptiles have vowed to follow the Snake Shaman wherever he leads them.
4.These fearless serpents show no hesitation in crawling right up the high main street when the Shaman is leading them. No doo-hickey can intimidate their beating hearts.
5.The Shaman marches silently. The snakes never weary. The townies are not amused. The rodents worry.
6.These two townies might be amused, however: Loafing on the porch in front of the Dogbad Saloon, it’s the handsome (if slovenly) outlaw Kit McKlaw, and his sidekick Suicide Cat.
7.Kit McKlaw asks his pal Suicide if he’s ever seen this stranger.
8.Suicide Cat blinks in the mid-day glare. His eyes are unsteady, but he’s sure he’s never seen this strange fellow before.


DOGBAD 28 – Meet The Snake Shaman!

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1.Kit’s a friendly fellow. He hails the man with the stick and the stone tablet. Remembering that sticks and stones can’t hurt him, (or something like that), he inquires as to the Shaman’s business.
Suicide Cat eyes the stranger with evident suspicion.
2.The Shaman wheels and pronounces something in an unfamiliar tongue- his bescaled entourage project a menacingly choreographed glare at the unprepared felines.
3.McKlaw tries to understand; Suicide tries to bluff his way with an air of distain.
4.He points down the street to a local gambling establishment.
5.McKlaw tries to help; Suicide is snotty.
6.The old Wizard loses patience with such impertinence.
7.The Shaman is an important guy, not to be trifled with. He is nobody’s sweetheart and he tells them so.
8.Kit McKlaw is taken aback by the Old Man’s outburst. With no idea what this geezer was on about, he is unsure what to think.
Suicide also doesn’t know what to think, but doesn’t care either.
There is nothing he can do about it, and he has no choice but to forget it. Within minutes both cats are snoring.


DOGBAD 29 – A Reptile Of Interest

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1.Senor Hoss and Senor Hsss while away the workday drinking in the Dogbad Saloon. Senor Hoss has imbibed to the point where he feels comfortable enough to pose a question that has been bothering his fine equine mind: “Senor Hsss, ken I ask you a personal question?” Senor Hsss: “Shoot.”

2.Senor Hoss take this literally and, out of thin air, produces his faithful blunderbus (named WOOLY BULLY). In a nano-instant he has squeezed Wooly Bully’s trigger and Wooly Bully exclaims:”BLAM!”

3.The concussion sent Senor Hsss’ sombrero spinning as he ducked to avoid the shot. Sr Hsss glares at Senor Hoss:”I speckted you’d do that. “Sr Hoss laughs: “I speckted you would!”

4.Sr Hsss recovers his composure and re-arranges his sombrero. Sr Hsss: “Go ahead- ask your question.”

5.Senor Hoss puts it blunt: “What’s up with that new cult you joined?”

6.Senor Hsss blows it top at this: “CULT?” “Do you refer to the SOCRATIC CIRCLE of the SNAKE SHAMAN?”

7.Senor Hsss is so digusted with Senor Hoss’ characterization of his club as a “cult”, his first instinct is to display an air of pretentious arrogance, and faux-sympathetic patrionization: “Pas du tout! I am sorry for you my friend. Really, I am. I see now that your peculiarly personal species of gross philistine ignorance stems from depths even darker than I had imagined.”

8.Senor Hsss explains it all to Senor Hoss: “The Socratic Circle of the Snake Shaman (may the hierarchy of saurian evolution exhalt his stature) is not in any sense a “cult”, no, no, not in any sense whatsoever-” “…for your information we are, in fact, an officially designated Terrorist Organization!”


DOGBAD 31 Hoss Gets Bipedal

DOGBAD 31 “Hoss Gets Bipedal”

1.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss have hit the road- observe how the road will hit them back. They are going to hike up the mountain to see the sunset, but the sun has the jump on them- it set before they got very far past the town limit. Hoss is eager to shed his role as a socially-acceptable quadruped, and announces his intention as soon as the pair are out of earshot of any Dogbad Town dogs.
“I suppose we’re out of town far enough.”

2.Hoss stretches his back and stands up on his hind laegs without missing a beat: “UuhhooOoEeee! Uzzat feel GOOD!”

3.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss walk on. Señor Hoss: “I am SO tired of walking on all fours.”

4.Hoss unloads his frustrations: “All my friends know I’m bipedal…those town dogs don’t get it.”

5.Hoss: “Just TRY to stand up and walk on your own two feet- just TRY.”

6.Señor Hoss continues: “Them town-dogs look at you like you’re some kind of…”

7. “…ANARCHIST!”

8. Señor Hsss has a surprise in store for his pal: “Wall then, give the anarchist a SEGAR!”


34

Dogbad 34 – Meet Overton Cuspidore!

1.Señor Hsss and the tortoise confront each other. “What’s the big idea?”, demands the tortoise. Señor Hsss replies: “You took the words right out of my mouth!”

2.Hsss picks up his sombrero and goads the tortoise with cool detachment: “Sorry I spoiled your nap, Daddy-o!” The Tortoise is losing control.”NAP!?? You always barge into peoples’ office?”

3.”This is my OFFICE!” shouts the Tortoise. He is genuinely offended at what he considers an intrusion on his personal space.

4.”Office?” Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss look around in wonderment. The desert around them does not resemble any office either of them has ever seen.

5.The Tortoise brandishes a passport-sized identification document bearing his picture, name and place of employment: “Cuspidore, Overton. Goldmine Sacks Employee Number 9069408000.” “I’m a compliance officer at Goldmine-Sacks”, he brags.

6.”That’s WEIRD”, replies Señor Hsss. Cuspidore shoots back:”WEIRD? I have a stesdy job with a major Wall Street firm and I’m WEIRD?” He gestures behind with his thumb toward the assorted rocks and cacti and appears to address them:”HEY.FELLAS! I got a friggin’ snake in a sombrero, with a Fu Manchu mustache over here telling me what “weird” is!”

7.Like a Greek chorus in a bad peyote trip, the entire landscape animates to exclaim as one being:”WE ALL WORK FOR GOLDMINE SACKS!”

8.Señor Hsss opens his mouth as if to scream in protest, but nothing comes out. His voice box is frozen. Who ever heard a talking snake scream, anyway?


Dogbad 35 – Hot Snow!

35

Dogbad 35 – Hot Snow!

1.Señor Hoss is shaking Señor Hsss. “Señor Hsss! Wake up! It’s time!”Hsss is unknowingly dragged kicking and screaming from his nightmare of Goldmine Sacks.”MAL DIEU! What a horrible dream!”

2.As Señor Hsss emerges from the hypnogogic world he sees that the two of them are standing on a redrock cliff,overlooking a gigantic peaceful valley.”I don’t see amything” says Hsss.”Amy minnit now…” replies Hosss. It is past midnight, just before the first black thread of dawn.

3.WHOOOOMB! The peace of the valley is suddenly reduced to sub atomic particles.

4.Blinded by the unimaginably bright flash, the pair’s eyes gradually regain function- they see a burning orange bright mushroom cloud growing from the opposite side of the valley. “I’ll be the donkey’s mulberry!” Stutters Hoss. “Chup Bash!” spits Señor Hsss.

5.Hoss and Hss both feel an unfamiliar warm sensation on their skins. The discover a shower of micro-fine white particulate matter descending from the first heaven. “Is it snowing?” asks Señor Hoss, “There can’t be that much dandruff in the air!”

6.Señor Hsss catches some of the stuff on his tongue. It burns. “HOT SNOW?”, he asks aloud.

7.Señor Hsss wants none of it. “Let’s go hine!” he insists. Señor Hoss does not even consider it- he looks down at Señor Hoss, arguing: “WHAT! We came all this way, missed the sunset, didn’t see the sunrise, and now you want to go HOME?”

8.”Sob the sum rise” says Señor Hsss. “I’m goim’ hone.” It is not clear if he is transposing his consonants intentionally, or if he is displaying the effects of radiation sickness.He paraphrases an old song: “You want to see the sum rise? Just sit there and stare.” In the foreground, a red-complexioned stranger surveys our scene.


Dogbad 36 – Purple Pee!

Purple Pee

Dogbad 36 – Purple Pee!

1.Señor Hsss is staring from behind a boulder. He flicks his tongue as his snake eyes burn through you.”SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

2.Señor Hsss is grimacing and straining- streams of purple droplets spray the rock:”SSS…SSSS…SSS!”

3.Señor Hsss has finished peeing on the rock. He is disturbed by what he sees- his urine has turned a bright purple, flecked with gold!

4.He yells to Señor Hoss standing nearby. “HOSS- Lookee here!” Hoss: “I don’t want to look!” Hsss:”NO, listen! Every time I pee-”

5.Hoss interrupts: “YOU, PEE? Snakes pee?” He continues in a sarcastic tone of voice. “I never knew that. Thanks for sharing.” “NO” exclaims Señor Hsss, “Hossy, this is serious.”

6.Hssy continues,”Ever since we came off the mountain for the last couple of days I’ve been peeing PURPLE… with little gold flecks”. His concern is evident.

7.Señor Hoss stands silently regarding this development. Señor Hsss is worried- he looks up at Señor Hoss, hoping his equine friend will proffer some good solution.

8.Señor Hoss has a sudden Eureka: “Lets head for the ASSAY OFFICE!”


Dogbad 38 – Discus Ted is Disgusted: “You yeggs are outa here!”

Dogbad 38

DOGBAD 38 – Discus Ted is Disgusted: “You yeggs are outa here!”

1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucus hubub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank.”Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Could Ted be referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.”
Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of… Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”