Posts Tagged ‘guns’


Discus Ted Gets Mad & Hoss Goes to Jail with the Debbil

Authors Note: I spell ‘jail’ G-A-O-L- sometimes. Look it up if you have a problem.

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1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucous hubbub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank: “Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Author’s Note: Could Ted be slyly referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.” Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of…Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 13

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1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inferrance:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomache. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodelled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 14

Dr P. T. Expensive, Psychic Veterinarian

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1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?””Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.””I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.


Dogbad 39

Dogbad 39

Dogbad 39 – The Devil’s Halitosis

1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inference:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomach. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodeled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 40

Dogbad 40

Dogbad 40 – The Psychic Veterinarian

1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?””Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.””I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.


Dogbad 15

Dogbad 41

Dogbad 41 – “If urinalysis, what’s that make me?”

1.The town’s Assayer Mister Wurlitzer has identified a high content of native gold in Señor Hsss’ urine sample (see episode 11). Señor Hsss suddenly appears in the Assay Office (fleeing from the searching eyes of Discus Ted), Mr Wurlitzer is at first startled, but quickly puts on a phony grin.

2.Out of breath, Señor Hsss attempts to regain his composure while re-introducing himself to Wurlitzer:”Hello, my name is Hsss- Rudolfo Hsss, and I left a sample here. It was a liquid sample, purple in color.”

3.Mister Wurlitzer: “Hello, my friend! I’ve been wondering what became of you. I’m sure you eager to learn the results of your tests. Unfortunately the results are inconclusive. As I feared, the sample you submitted was too small to determine. We must have a larger sample- MUCH larger. Do not despair- We can easily submit another sample. I am fully confident we can arrive at a range of results that are entirely satisfactory.There is no charge, you understand, no fee whatsoever. Our testing procedures are very accurate.”

4.Mister Wurlitzer shows Señor Hsss to an outdoor privy behind the building. “Please be my guest and take as long as you need. Your privacy is assured.”

5.He produces a huge ten-gallon jug for Señor Hsss to fill: “Just fill this up to the top, ring the bell when you’re finished, and I’ll come and collect the bottle.”

6.Just in case Señor Hsss isn’t getting the message, Mister Wurlitzer gently ushers him inside the outhouse…”Get IN there!”

7.Wurlitzer locks him in! “Take your time”, he mutters with a wicked grin.

8.Señor Hsss is locked inside the outhouse alone with the jug! What to do, what to do?