Posts Tagged ‘Funny Animals’


Dogbad 21 – Farced Entry

Kit McKlaw and Señor Hsss sneak in through the laundry chute!

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1. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hsss are searching for a way to reach the Snake Shaman. They know he’s somewhere inside the Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gambling Casino, and they must talk to him! That obnoxious doorman Mr Duckbutter has barred them from entry, so they will find their way by sneaking ’round the back. Deep within the bowels of the casino’s hotel laundry complex, Kit and Señor Hsss secret themselves inside an industrial-sized load of foul-smelling, badly-soiled linens.

2. Kit locates the laundry chute. He struggles up the chute several floors and strains to squeeze himself through the opening. He’s not sure what floor he’s on.

3. Señor Hsss slithers up the cramped passage, following close behind his feline companion. Kit observes some activity at the far end of the hall: “That must be where he is!” he points it out to Señor Hsss.

4. McKlaw and Hsss survey the far end of the hall. Guarding a dark, heavy oaken door stand two bored-looking gangster-snakes. The door is emblazoned with a small rectangle of brass, engraved with the word PRIVATE.”The Shaman must be in there”, Kit whispers to Señor Hsss, “but how are we going to get past those two?”

5. “KRACKKK!” “RUMBLE!” “CRASH!” Suddenly, bits of plaster, dust and splinters fly. From behind, an explosion of noise puts an end to Kit’s and Hsss’nervous whispering.

6. Stunned with disbelief, Kit and Hsss behold Señor Hoss, Debbil attached, staggering from out a gaping cavity in the wall where the laundry chute used to be. McKlaw moans out his disbelief: “OH, NO! How did…” “We followed you!”, explains Señor Hoss proudly.

7. Having heard the commotion, the two gangster-snakes calmly face down our friends. “Well, well, what have we here?” cracks the diamondback from under his powder-blue Stetson. “You gay cats wouldn’t be trying to sneak up on us, would you?” The other gangster, a silent green cobra in a cadet-grey spy-vs-spy hat, flicks his tongue about menacingly as he looks on through heavily-lidded eyes.

8. Suddenly, a flash of brilliant emerald illumination overwhelms the group, drowning walls, carpet and ceiling with supernatural green light. All eyes fix upon the crimson Debbil. With a Mephistophilean twinkle in his eyes, out of the very ethers he has produced a matched pair of shining golden horns! Will the Debbil play us a tune?


Dogbad 22 – The Debbil’s Music

The Debbil blows snakes to sleep in the hotel hall…

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1. The Debbil whips out his golden pipes and blows with all his cunning! His Mephistophilean melodies are particularly purposed to appeal to the siesta-instincts of the serpentinian Central Nervous System.

2. The two gangster-snakes swoon and drop like real estate prices. Kit and the Debbil calmly regard the sleeping serpents. It does not appear they will regain conciousness any time soon.

3. Not everyone grooves to the Debbil’s music, though. Señor Hsss has stuffed his rattle in his ears lest he succumb to the soporific sonorities of this infernal brass section. “Is it over?, he asks, grimacing. “Yes”, McKlaw assures him.

4. The Debbil and Hoss, Hsss and McKlaw brace for Kit to bust down the door. “Stand Back- we’re going in!”

5. Meanwhile, inside the private room, Daring Daylight dominates the game. One by one the players have folded, leaving only the Snake Shaman to match wits with the baddest card strategist of her generation. “Ok, Shaman, what you got?” she asks languidly.

6. The Shaman displays his hand with a bold mesmeric glare: “I’ve got FOUR ACES!”

7. Daring Daylight faces him down with all the focused resolution of a cross Macedonian Phalanx: “SAAAAAAY! You ain’t playing on the square, Shaman! THAT ain’t the hand I dealt ya!”

8. Before he can reply, the Snake Shaman finds himself face-to-face with a loaded, blue steel Winchester Glock Beretta Smith & Wesson Colt .45 revolver! This old man does not like them apples. Daylight calmly commands him: “Say your prayers, Shaman”. The cartoonist silently wonders to himself: “Is there such a thing as too much ‘product-placement’?”


Dogbad 23 – What Devil?

Kit, Hoss, the Debbil and Hsss crash the game and confront the Snake Shaman.

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1. Suddenly and without warning, Kit McKlaw, Señor Hsss, Señor Hoss and the Debbil smash down the door of the private room. The partiers flee in panic.

2. As the room quickly empties, Kit draws a pair of revolvers. “Pardon us- we’re here to speak with Mister Snake Shaman.” He stands audacious- flanked by Señor Hsss, Señor Hoss and the Debbil- facing the room’s two remaining occupants- the seated Snake Shaman and his concomitant serpentess Ms Condomleeza Cobra. McKlaw continues,”We need to converse in private.” “Any objections?” adds his pistol.

3. With the last guest out the door, our friends can let down their bluff. “Shaman Sahib, please help us”, pleads Señor Hsss. McKlaw continues, “It’s my Hoss”; “We’ve been spooked” whinnies Señor Hoss.

4. “Na, DAG-NAB-it!” exclaims the cross Shaman. “What is your major malfunction? Can’t you crybabies mind your own bizness and let me mind mine?” He remains seated, and does not offer a chair to anyone. Manners hardly matter at this juncture- all the furniture save his own seat is strewn in bits and splinters around the room.

5. Señor Hoss steps forward. “It’s this Debbil on my butt, I can’t get rid of him! He’s beating me up!” Mister Snake Shaman looks down impassively.

6. Miss Cobra looks up at the Snake Shaman as he disctacts himself by catching flies. At length he replies with a question to Hoss: “What Devil?”

7. Señor Hoss snaps back at the Shaman: “What do you mean, “What Devil?” -This devil right here growing out of my butt! -That’s what devil! Are you BLIND?” Hoss continue pointing to his posterior without glancing back to see the Debbil has suddenly removed himself. What the devil is going on?

8. Hoss turns his attention to his own backside and is momentarily rendered speechless wirth surprise. “Bup, buh, he’s GONE!” The Snake Shaman remains sitting, Ms Cobra silent by his side. Señor Hsss looks on, himself puzzled.


Dogbad 24 – Snakes Don’t Pee

The Debbil has disappeared suddenly, and the Snake Shaman explains the Situation.

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1. Señor Hoss is beside himself with confusion- suddenly the Debbil is nowhere to be seen. He should be grateful enough to not ask any questions, but he puts it to the Snake Shaman: “What did you do? Where is he?” The Shaman is hugely amused at Hoss’s consternation. He rolls about in his chair guffawing his peculiar Shaman’s laugh: “HARKA HUK-HUK!, HORP-HORP!” “DO WHAT? What do you MEAN?”, he replies disingenuously.

2. “THE DEBBIL! What did you do with him?” demands Hoss. “Why is this citizen making a fuss?”, puzzles the Shaman. For a moment he stares back at Señor Hoss blankly.

3. The Snake Shaman explains it to Señor Hoss matter-of-fact-ly: “There was no Debbil. You imagined him.”

4. Señor Hoss isn’t buying. “I did not ‘imagine’ him”, he retorts. “It’s not possible. Everybody else saw him too. We got kicked out of the saloon together.”

5. The wise Snake Shaman points out an oft-overlooked fact- a telling attribute of ‘consensus realities’: “That’s a funny thing about delusions- they’re contagious.”

6. Señor Hsss interrupts: “What about ME? Am I still going to be going around peeing purple gold dust?”

7. The Shaman is nearly out of patience with this lot. He wiggles a beckoning forefinger at the Sombrero’d serpent. “HSSSY, C’mere.”

8. He puts it country-simple: “SNAKES DON’T PEE.”


Dogbad 25 – Back On The Street

The Snake Shaman invites the uninvited trio to leave.

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1. The Snake Shaman finally rises from his seat to firmly but politely explains to McKlaw, Señor Hoss and Señor Hsss that they must leave, and pronto.The three stand mute, like chasened children. “Now that’s settled”, the Shaman entreats, “will you all please exit quietly and allow me to find my friends so we can resume our card game?”

2. McKlaw and the two Señors retreat back onto the street. It is now dark, past ten o’clock. Kit is philosophical, as usual: “Maybe we should all just go along and enjoy ourselves… the evening’s still young.” “That’s easy for you to say”, grumbles Señor Hoss.

3. Hoss is mired in doubt about what it all means. “I still don’t get it. None of it adds up.” Señor Hsss feels happier, convinced that the mysterious sage has not only relieved their annoying condition, but imparted a deep life-lesson to them in the process. “He’s right though-” says Hsss emphatically, “the Shaman…”

4. “Snakes DON’T pee”, he warbles, eyes heavenward.

5. “Be that as it may”, interrupts McKlaw, “why don’t we just mosey on up and drink about it a while?” Kit alludes to the immediate proximity of the Dogbad Saloon, which is currently open for business as usual. “You got any money?”, asks Señor Hsss.

6. Kit reaches deep into his side vest-pocket, feeling something of weight inside. “I think so”, he replies.

7. McKlaw hefts something inside the pocket that he doesn’t remember putting there. He pulls it out and gazes at what he now has in his hand- a green glass pint liquor bottle with something inside that’s definitely not liquor! “What’s THIS?” he asks aloud.

8. The bottle lets off an eerie glow and feels uncomfortably warm to the touch. Corked there inside the bottle, peering back at the world into the eyes of the very same three undocumented cartoon characters who thought they’d seen the last of him, they see the crouching figure of Dipple-O-Doakus, the Debbil himself!


DOGBAD 26

At the bar in the Dogbad Saloon, Kit McKlaw, Señor Hoss and Señor Hsss consider their prospects.

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1. Señor Hoss sees the Debbil in the whiskey bottle and blows a fuse! The mere sight of the diabolic little guy drives him into a Hossy fit. Just when he thought he was finally relieved of his obnoxious presence!

2. They walk through the swinging doors into the Dogbad Saloon. Kit tries to calm Hoss. He throws his arm aroud Señor Hoss’ neck and smiles reassuringly: “Now, Hoss- Quit worryin’!”

3. They belly up to the bar. “Isn’t it better to have him corked up in this little bottle?” asks Kit. “I guess so…” replies Hoss, “better in your pocket than on my backside.”

4. McKlaw hoists a beer and assures Señor Hoss that there is no need for concern so long as they are careful with the Debbil in the bottle: “We’ll just keep an eye on him at all times.”

5. Señor Hsss injects a note of caution. “What if he gets out? What if the bottle breaks?”

6. It’s enough to chill Señor Hoss. “Don’t even THINK about it”, he asserts.

7. Señor Hsss, Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw eye the pint-sized Debbil with a mixture of apprehension and fascination. Dipple O’Doakus can hear everything they say. He grins and poses inside the bottle. “He IS a cute little devil” observes Señor Hsss. “He’s a darlin’ devil- a DARLIN’ devil!”, agrees McKlaw.

8. “I know”, grumbles Hoss. “That’s the PROBLEM.”


DOGBAD 27 THE SNAKE SHAMAN- Whence and whither?

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1.The dasht- we call it the desert. High in a remote mountainous region, known to us crackers only as an enormous blank area on our maps, a lone figure slowly makes his way across the horizon.
2.From out of the purple mountains’ majesty comes the Snake Shaman. Nobody knows the Shaman’s real name. He won’t tell. Only the snakes know his name, and they know the Snake Shaman better than anybody.
3.When the Snake Shaman beckons the snakes follow. These noble reptiles have vowed to follow the Snake Shaman wherever he leads them.
4.These fearless serpents show no hesitation in crawling right up the high main street when the Shaman is leading them. No doo-hickey can intimidate their beating hearts.
5.The Shaman marches silently. The snakes never weary. The townies are not amused. The rodents worry.
6.These two townies might be amused, however: Loafing on the porch in front of the Dogbad Saloon, it’s the handsome (if slovenly) outlaw Kit McKlaw, and his sidekick Suicide Cat.
7.Kit McKlaw asks his pal Suicide if he’s ever seen this stranger.
8.Suicide Cat blinks in the mid-day glare. His eyes are unsteady, but he’s sure he’s never seen this strange fellow before.


DOGBAD 28 – Meet The Snake Shaman!

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1.Kit’s a friendly fellow. He hails the man with the stick and the stone tablet. Remembering that sticks and stones can’t hurt him, (or something like that), he inquires as to the Shaman’s business.
Suicide Cat eyes the stranger with evident suspicion.
2.The Shaman wheels and pronounces something in an unfamiliar tongue- his bescaled entourage project a menacingly choreographed glare at the unprepared felines.
3.McKlaw tries to understand; Suicide tries to bluff his way with an air of distain.
4.He points down the street to a local gambling establishment.
5.McKlaw tries to help; Suicide is snotty.
6.The old Wizard loses patience with such impertinence.
7.The Shaman is an important guy, not to be trifled with. He is nobody’s sweetheart and he tells them so.
8.Kit McKlaw is taken aback by the Old Man’s outburst. With no idea what this geezer was on about, he is unsure what to think.
Suicide also doesn’t know what to think, but doesn’t care either.
There is nothing he can do about it, and he has no choice but to forget it. Within minutes both cats are snoring.


DOGBAD 29 – A Reptile Of Interest

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1.Senor Hoss and Senor Hsss while away the workday drinking in the Dogbad Saloon. Senor Hoss has imbibed to the point where he feels comfortable enough to pose a question that has been bothering his fine equine mind: “Senor Hsss, ken I ask you a personal question?” Senor Hsss: “Shoot.”

2.Senor Hoss take this literally and, out of thin air, produces his faithful blunderbus (named WOOLY BULLY). In a nano-instant he has squeezed Wooly Bully’s trigger and Wooly Bully exclaims:”BLAM!”

3.The concussion sent Senor Hsss’ sombrero spinning as he ducked to avoid the shot. Sr Hsss glares at Senor Hoss:”I speckted you’d do that. “Sr Hoss laughs: “I speckted you would!”

4.Sr Hsss recovers his composure and re-arranges his sombrero. Sr Hsss: “Go ahead- ask your question.”

5.Senor Hoss puts it blunt: “What’s up with that new cult you joined?”

6.Senor Hsss blows it top at this: “CULT?” “Do you refer to the SOCRATIC CIRCLE of the SNAKE SHAMAN?”

7.Senor Hsss is so digusted with Senor Hoss’ characterization of his club as a “cult”, his first instinct is to display an air of pretentious arrogance, and faux-sympathetic patrionization: “Pas du tout! I am sorry for you my friend. Really, I am. I see now that your peculiarly personal species of gross philistine ignorance stems from depths even darker than I had imagined.”

8.Senor Hsss explains it all to Senor Hoss: “The Socratic Circle of the Snake Shaman (may the hierarchy of saurian evolution exhalt his stature) is not in any sense a “cult”, no, no, not in any sense whatsoever-” “…for your information we are, in fact, an officially designated Terrorist Organization!”


DOGBAD 31 Hoss Gets Bipedal

DOGBAD 31 “Hoss Gets Bipedal”

1.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss have hit the road- observe how the road will hit them back. They are going to hike up the mountain to see the sunset, but the sun has the jump on them- it set before they got very far past the town limit. Hoss is eager to shed his role as a socially-acceptable quadruped, and announces his intention as soon as the pair are out of earshot of any Dogbad Town dogs.
“I suppose we’re out of town far enough.”

2.Hoss stretches his back and stands up on his hind laegs without missing a beat: “UuhhooOoEeee! Uzzat feel GOOD!”

3.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss walk on. Señor Hoss: “I am SO tired of walking on all fours.”

4.Hoss unloads his frustrations: “All my friends know I’m bipedal…those town dogs don’t get it.”

5.Hoss: “Just TRY to stand up and walk on your own two feet- just TRY.”

6.Señor Hoss continues: “Them town-dogs look at you like you’re some kind of…”

7. “…ANARCHIST!”

8. Señor Hsss has a surprise in store for his pal: “Wall then, give the anarchist a SEGAR!”