Posts Tagged ‘Dogbad’


The Snake Shaman

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1.The dasht- we call it the desert. High in a remote mountainous region, known to us crackers only as an enormous blank area on our maps, a lone figure slowly makes his way across the horizon.
2.From out of the purple mountains’ majesty comes the Snake Shaman. Nobody knows the Shaman’s real name. He won’t tell. Only the snakes know his name, and they know the Snake Shaman better than anybody.
3.When the Snake Shaman beckons the snakes follow. These noble reptiles have vowed to follow the Snake Shaman wherever he leads them.
4.When Shaman goes to town, the snakes all follow him.
5.When the Shaman goes to town, the snakes all follow him. The townies are not amused. The rodents worry.
6.These townies might be amused however: Loafing on the porch in front of the Dogbad Saloon, it’s the handsome (if a bit slovenly) outlaw Kit McKlaw, and his sidekick Suicide Cat.
7.Kit McKlaw asks his pal Suicide if he’s ever seen this stranger.
8.Suicide Cat blinks in the mid-day glare. His eyes are unsteady, but he’s sure he’s never seen this strange fellow before.


Drop-Kicked Out Of Dogbad

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1. Interior: Dogbad Saloon in the late afternoon.
Here we meet the Saloon Landlord, former Olympian bronze medalist
Theodore Simon Alvin David “Discus Ted” O’Neil. Discus Ted wastes
no words in simultaneously describing his mood and his moniker:
“I am Discus Ted. You are scaring my patrons.” These remarks are
directed on the endeaffened ears of Señors Hsss and Hoss, who have
lowered their consciousness by toasting and drinking each other
into a solemn stupor.
2. Having partook Discus Ted’s micro-brewing, Hsss & Hoss
experience his macro-bouncing. This isn’t the first time he’s
drop-kicked them both out, and it won’t likely be the last.
3. Refuse is hurled to underline the point.
4. Hsss & Hoss consider the awakening a coarse one.
Hsss: “Talk about non grata!” Hoss: “How, very, very rude!”
5. Señor Hsss examines his soiled and crushed sombrero.
He sees right away it will require expensive re-blocking.
What an inconvenience! He may have to send it abroad.
What will he wear? It’s the only hat he’s got.
Señor Hoss asks: “Where to now?” It’s getting late.
6. It doesn’t take Hsssy long to think of a plan:
“Less goap the mountain and wash the sun sit!”
7. Hoss thinks this is a Boney Day and says so. Pleased with
his idea, Señor Hsss congratulates himself: “Farm Edible!”
8. The sum is sitting in the distant maghreb, but it may as well
sit right on top of Señors Hsss and Hoss as they pass beyond
the town’s outer limits. If they notice the notice posted by Dogbad
Sheriff D D Divtag, we don’t notice:
“DON’T LET THE SUN SET ON YOU HERE, REPTILE.”


Into The Mountains

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1. The sum has setted and it is now night time. Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss climb higher and higher into the hills to the remote mountains outside the town of Dogbad.

2. On a high mountain pass they find an ancient road sign. Beside the trail they spy an lonely sentinel: the shell of a desert tortoise apparently abandoned by its occupant. “What’s this?” asks Señor Hoss.

3. Señor Hsss decides to have a closer look: “Anybody HOME?”

4. After removing his sombrero (not shown), Señor Hsss impertinently sticks his head inside and continues to ask, “HELLO- Anybody HOME?”

5. The answer is “SNAP!” The carapace-house-holder is mightily displeased with the intrusion and bites the unwelcome intruder on the nose. Señor Hoss looks on in horror.

6. Señor Hsss screams with pain. Señor Hoss looks on with alarm.

7. Señor Hoss tries to rescue Señor Hsss by pulling him free. The tortoise is having none of it and his vice-like jaws will not slacken. A tug-of-war ensues between Señor Hoss and the tortoise, with Señor Hsss suffering the worst of it.

8. Señor Hoss does not notice a strange vulture descending from the fourth heaven, lighting upon the sign post.


Purple Pee

On their way home from the mountains Senor Hsss has to urinate…every five minutes! As if that weren’t bad enough, he’s not just peeing, he’s peeing purple, with little gold flecks. Senor Hoss is markedly unsympathetic.

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1.Senor Hsss is staring from behind a boulder. He flicks his tongue as his snake eyes burn through you.
“SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

2.Senor Hsss is grimacing and straining- streams of purple droplets spray the rock:
“SSS…SSSS…SSS!”

3.Senor Hsss has finished peeing on the rock. He is disturbed by what he sees- his urine has turned a bright purple, flecked with gold!

4.He yells to Senor Hoss standing nearby. “HOSS- Lookee here!” Hoss: “I don’t want to look!” Hsss:”NO, listen! Every time I pee-”

5.Hoss interrupts: “YOU, PEE? Snakes pee?” He continues in a sarcastic tone of voice. “I never knew that. Thanks for sharing.” “NO” exclaims Senor Hsss, “Hossy, this is serious.”

6.Hssy continues,”Ever since we came off the mountain for the last couple of days I’ve been peeing PURPLE… with little gold flecks”.
His concern is evident.

7.Senor Hoss stands silently regarding this development. Senor Hsss is worried- he looks up at Senor Hoss,
hoping his equine friend will proffer some good solution.

8.Senor Hoss has a sudden Eureka: “Lets head for the ASSAY OFFICE!”


Discus Ted Gets Mad & Hoss Goes to Jail with the Debbil

Authors Note: I spell ‘jail’ G-A-O-L- sometimes. Look it up if you have a problem.

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1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucous hubbub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank: “Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Author’s Note: Could Ted be slyly referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.” Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of…Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 13

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1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inferrance:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomache. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodelled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 14

Dr P. T. Expensive, Psychic Veterinarian

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1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?”"Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.”"I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.


Dogbad 16 “How am I going to get out of here?”

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1.Señor Hsss has been locked in an outhouse by Mister Wurlitzer the Dogbad town Assayer.Mr Wurlitzer has identified a high content of native gold in Señor Hsss’ urine sample and he won’t let him out until he fills a ten-gallon jug with the precious fluid.

2.Señor Hsss looks for a way out. He sees the decorative moon-shaped hole cut in the upper door: “Looks like that little opening is the only way out”, he says to himself.

3.He looks back at one of the holes cut in the wooden seat, and the squadron of flies hovering above it: “Unless-” “NO- I’m not that desperate.” It’s not a difficult decision.

4.Hissy begins to try to work his way through the small opening in the door, nose first: “Here goes nuttin’- NNGH! ANGH! EYEHH… AF-! UF-!” It hurts.

5.He succeeds in squeezing his head through the little crescent hole, sombrero and all (not shown, of course), but can move no further. He panics. “GRAWWLG!” “I’M STUCK!” “Ennn!!” “Enn-!” “Eeenngg!” “Uhh…” Señor Hsss knows full well how rediculous he must look from the outside. He’s got to extricate himself before anybody sees him. What if Michael McClure were to walk by and hear him?

6.Señor Hsss pulls and tugs with all his might. Suddenly he crashes free with a loud “PUT!” and bounces his head painfully off the back wall of the privy.

7.He regards his nose, throbbing with pain and moulded into the shape of the wooden hole. “It’s no use.”, he sighs to no one in particular. Then he remembers, there is another possibility- the “third wall”!

8.Señor Hsss turns and faces you, the reader and earnestly appeals for help: “Can anyone out there reach the JPEG settings?”.


Dogbad 17 Tajectory is my middle name!

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1.Señor Hsss remains locked inside the outhouse (see episode 16). He’s tried everything he could to get out. There’s a small crescent-shaped air hole in the locked door. He’s much too large to fit through the hole in the door; he only hurt his nose when he tried. Suddenly Hsss conceives a desperate gambit: if he receives enough JPEG COMPRESSION, maybe, just maybe, hecan squeeze through that hole! He turns toward the readers: “Did you locate the jpeg settings? See where it says “IMAGE OPTIONS”- PULL IT TO THE LEFT TO ABOUT ’6′.

2.Señor Hsss gets compressed- he’s gone all fuzzy. “THERE- That’s more like it!”

3.”Here goes!” Hsss takes aim and leaps at the small sliver of blue shining through the hole. “P-P-H-P-P-H-PP-PP-H-T-T-t-T-t-T-T-t-t-t!!” He hits the door hard.

4.”NGNGN!! NNNN!” Señor Hsss has managed to squeeze about halfway through. “I- NEED- MORE- COMPRESSION!”

5.Hsss sags in exaustion: “OWwwLLrrRAaghhu….,” he moans,”It’s still not enough.” Again he appeals to someone, anyone who is reading this strip.”Take her down to ’1′.”

6.He pulls again with all his might. “POP”- Suddenly, he is sailing through the sky above the town!

7.Señor Hsss soars through the air above the town of Dogbad! “WHEE! Trajectory is my middle name! I must be higher than Charlie Sheen!”


Dogbad 18 – Return of the Snake Shaman

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1. “I’m losing altitude!” Señor Hsss says to himself, as he begins to fall from orbit. Having popped through the hole in the outhouse door with all the force of his serpentine muscles (snakes are strong!), he propelled himself, projected high above the town of Dogbad. It’s a magnificent view, while it lasts.

2. There below, in the dirt and dust of Dogbad High Street, Señor Hoss, the Debbil and Kit McKlaw stare amazed as their scaly friend rapidly approaches from above. Señor Hsss gives a polite warning: “”Lookout below!”

3. Predictably, Señor Hsss crashes to earth with a large Don-Martinese sound: “THOOONT!”

4. “Just call me ‘Tory’”, quips the compressed Hssster. If Trajectory is his middle name, he’s a tragic Tory in a Majick Story.

5. Suddenly, a heavy wheeled object ZOOMs past, mussing everyone’s fur, scales,and stubble.

6. “WHAT the DUESENBERG was THAT?”, they ask. They are taken by surprise, but they got the ‘make’ right. Amidst wind, dust and fumes a 1930 Duesenberg speeds down the High Street toward the newly-expended and expanded Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gulag Gambling casino. Neither Hsss, nor Hoss nor McKlaw has ever set foot in this notorious establishment. As for mesure le Diable, they wouldn’t hazard to guess.

7. Stopping in front of the main entrance we see the dapper figure of the Snake Shaman stepping out with his date, the glamorous Miss Condomleeza Cobra.

8. The quartet stand mute for a moment before they recognize the Snake Shaman. Señor Hsss is lost for words. “It’s the Shaman!”, exclaims Kit. “What’s he doing THERE?”, wonders Hoss. Perhaps we’ll find out…