Posts Tagged ‘Cowboys’


Discus Ted Gets Mad & Hoss Goes to Jail with the Debbil

Authors Note: I spell ‘jail’ G-A-O-L- sometimes. Look it up if you have a problem.

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1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucous hubbub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank: “Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Author’s Note: Could Ted be slyly referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.” Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of…Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 13

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1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inferrance:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomache. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodelled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 14

Dr P. T. Expensive, Psychic Veterinarian

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1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?””Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.””I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.


DOGBAD 27 THE SNAKE SHAMAN- Whence and whither?

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1.The dasht- we call it the desert. High in a remote mountainous region, known to us crackers only as an enormous blank area on our maps, a lone figure slowly makes his way across the horizon.
2.From out of the purple mountains’ majesty comes the Snake Shaman. Nobody knows the Shaman’s real name. He won’t tell. Only the snakes know his name, and they know the Snake Shaman better than anybody.
3.When the Snake Shaman beckons the snakes follow. These noble reptiles have vowed to follow the Snake Shaman wherever he leads them.
4.These fearless serpents show no hesitation in crawling right up the high main street when the Shaman is leading them. No doo-hickey can intimidate their beating hearts.
5.The Shaman marches silently. The snakes never weary. The townies are not amused. The rodents worry.
6.These two townies might be amused, however: Loafing on the porch in front of the Dogbad Saloon, it’s the handsome (if slovenly) outlaw Kit McKlaw, and his sidekick Suicide Cat.
7.Kit McKlaw asks his pal Suicide if he’s ever seen this stranger.
8.Suicide Cat blinks in the mid-day glare. His eyes are unsteady, but he’s sure he’s never seen this strange fellow before.


DOGBAD 28 – Meet The Snake Shaman!

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1.Kit’s a friendly fellow. He hails the man with the stick and the stone tablet. Remembering that sticks and stones can’t hurt him, (or something like that), he inquires as to the Shaman’s business.
Suicide Cat eyes the stranger with evident suspicion.
2.The Shaman wheels and pronounces something in an unfamiliar tongue- his bescaled entourage project a menacingly choreographed glare at the unprepared felines.
3.McKlaw tries to understand; Suicide tries to bluff his way with an air of distain.
4.He points down the street to a local gambling establishment.
5.McKlaw tries to help; Suicide is snotty.
6.The old Wizard loses patience with such impertinence.
7.The Shaman is an important guy, not to be trifled with. He is nobody’s sweetheart and he tells them so.
8.Kit McKlaw is taken aback by the Old Man’s outburst. With no idea what this geezer was on about, he is unsure what to think.
Suicide also doesn’t know what to think, but doesn’t care either.
There is nothing he can do about it, and he has no choice but to forget it. Within minutes both cats are snoring.


34

Dogbad 34 – Meet Overton Cuspidore!

1.Señor Hsss and the tortoise confront each other. “What’s the big idea?”, demands the tortoise. Señor Hsss replies: “You took the words right out of my mouth!”

2.Hsss picks up his sombrero and goads the tortoise with cool detachment: “Sorry I spoiled your nap, Daddy-o!” The Tortoise is losing control.”NAP!?? You always barge into peoples’ office?”

3.”This is my OFFICE!” shouts the Tortoise. He is genuinely offended at what he considers an intrusion on his personal space.

4.”Office?” Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss look around in wonderment. The desert around them does not resemble any office either of them has ever seen.

5.The Tortoise brandishes a passport-sized identification document bearing his picture, name and place of employment: “Cuspidore, Overton. Goldmine Sacks Employee Number 9069408000.” “I’m a compliance officer at Goldmine-Sacks”, he brags.

6.”That’s WEIRD”, replies Señor Hsss. Cuspidore shoots back:”WEIRD? I have a stesdy job with a major Wall Street firm and I’m WEIRD?” He gestures behind with his thumb toward the assorted rocks and cacti and appears to address them:”HEY.FELLAS! I got a friggin’ snake in a sombrero, with a Fu Manchu mustache over here telling me what “weird” is!”

7.Like a Greek chorus in a bad peyote trip, the entire landscape animates to exclaim as one being:”WE ALL WORK FOR GOLDMINE SACKS!”

8.Señor Hsss opens his mouth as if to scream in protest, but nothing comes out. His voice box is frozen. Who ever heard a talking snake scream, anyway?


Dogbad 36 – Purple Pee!

Purple Pee

Dogbad 36 – Purple Pee!

1.Señor Hsss is staring from behind a boulder. He flicks his tongue as his snake eyes burn through you.”SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

2.Señor Hsss is grimacing and straining- streams of purple droplets spray the rock:”SSS…SSSS…SSS!”

3.Señor Hsss has finished peeing on the rock. He is disturbed by what he sees- his urine has turned a bright purple, flecked with gold!

4.He yells to Señor Hoss standing nearby. “HOSS- Lookee here!” Hoss: “I don’t want to look!” Hsss:”NO, listen! Every time I pee-”

5.Hoss interrupts: “YOU, PEE? Snakes pee?” He continues in a sarcastic tone of voice. “I never knew that. Thanks for sharing.” “NO” exclaims Señor Hsss, “Hossy, this is serious.”

6.Hssy continues,”Ever since we came off the mountain for the last couple of days I’ve been peeing PURPLE… with little gold flecks”. His concern is evident.

7.Señor Hoss stands silently regarding this development. Señor Hsss is worried- he looks up at Señor Hoss, hoping his equine friend will proffer some good solution.

8.Señor Hoss has a sudden Eureka: “Lets head for the ASSAY OFFICE!”


Dogbad 38 – Discus Ted is Disgusted: “You yeggs are outa here!”

Dogbad 38

DOGBAD 38 – Discus Ted is Disgusted: “You yeggs are outa here!”

1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucus hubub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank.”Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Could Ted be referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.”
Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of… Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 39

Dogbad 39

Dogbad 39 – The Devil’s Halitosis

1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inference:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomach. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodeled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.


Dogbad 40

Dogbad 40

Dogbad 40 – The Psychic Veterinarian

1. Kit McKlaw takes Señor Hoss to see Psychic Veterinarian Dr P. T. Expensive, in hope that the doctor can separate Hoss from his unwanted visitor, the Debbil with bad breath.

2. Inside the doctor’s office, Kit, Hoss and the Debbil meet the nurse, who hands them each a clipboard. “We’ll need you to fill out your medical history… all three of you.” McKlaw looks up and asks, “Me?”

3. The Debbil looks over Hoss’s shoulder. Hoss and McKlaw scan the boilerplate medical history forms.”Responsible party?””Primary carrier?”

4. Nurse attempts to clarify the salient points. “Your insurance company, honey.””I’ll need to run your cards.”

5. Neither Señor Hoss or Kit McKlaw are following her: “Insurance?” “Cards?”

6. Suddenly Señor Hoss and Kit McKlaw find themselves out in the street. “Did she say anything about when we get to see the doctor?”, asks Hoss.

7. Meanwhile, Señor Hsss has been hiding under the porch of the Dogbad Saloon? “Weddie Goatoo?”, Discus Ted wonders aloud as he paces up and down searching for the fugitive reptile.

8. When Ted’s back is turned Señor Hsss races across the street to the Assay office.