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The Snake Shaman

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1.The dasht- we call it the desert. High in a remote mountainous region, known to us crackers only as an enormous blank area on our maps, a lone figure slowly makes his way across the horizon.
2.From out of the purple mountains’ majesty comes the Snake Shaman. Nobody knows the Shaman’s real name. He won’t tell. Only the snakes know his name, and they know the Snake Shaman better than anybody.
3.When the Snake Shaman beckons the snakes follow. These noble reptiles have vowed to follow the Snake Shaman wherever he leads them.
4.When Shaman goes to town, the snakes all follow him.
5.When the Shaman goes to town, the snakes all follow him. The townies are not amused. The rodents worry.
6.These townies might be amused however: Loafing on the porch in front of the Dogbad Saloon, it’s the handsome (if a bit slovenly) outlaw Kit McKlaw, and his sidekick Suicide Cat.
7.Kit McKlaw asks his pal Suicide if he’s ever seen this stranger.
8.Suicide Cat blinks in the mid-day glare. His eyes are unsteady, but he’s sure he’s never seen this strange fellow before.


The Mysterious Stranger and his Travelling Serpents

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1.Kit’s a friendly fellow. He hails the man with the stick and the stone tablet. Remembering that sticks and stones can’t hurt him, (or something like that), he inquires as to the Shaman’s business.
Suicide Cat eyes the stranger with evident suspicion.
2.The Shaman wheels and pronounces something in an unfamiliar tongue- his bescaled entourage project a menacingly choreographed glare at the unprepared felines
3.McKlaw tries to understand; Suicide tries to bluff his way with an air of disdain.
4.He points down the street to a local gambling establishment.
5.McKlaw tries to help; Suicide is snotty.
6.The old Wizard loses patience with such impertinence.
7.The Shaman is an important guy, not to be trifled with. He is nobody’s sweetheart and he tells them so.
8.Kit McKlaw is taken aback by the Old Man’s outburst. With no idea what this geezer was on about, he is unsure what to think.
Suicide also doesn’t know what to think, but doesn’t care either.
There is nothing he can do about it, and he has no choice but to forget it. Within minutes both cats are snoring.


Senor Hoss & Senor Hsss

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1.Senor Hoss and Senor Hsss while away the workday drinking in the Dogbad Saloon.
Senor Hoss has imbibed to the point where he feels comfortable enough to pose a
question that has been bothering his fine equine mind:
“Senor Hsss, ken I ask you a personal question?”
Senor Hsss: “Shoot.”

2.Senor Hoss take this literally and, out of thin air, produces his faithful blunderbus
(named WOOLY BULLY). In a nano-instant he has squeezed Wooly Bully’s trigger and Wooly
Bully exclaims:”BLAM!”

3.The concussion sent Senor Hsss’ sombrero spinning as he ducked to avoid the shot.
Sr Hsss glares at Senor Hoss:”I speckted you’d do that.”
Sr Hoss laughs: “I speckted you would!”

4.Sr Hsss recovers his composure and re-arranges his sombrero.
Sr Hsss: “Go ahead- ask your question.”

5.Senor Hoss puts it blunt: “What’s up with that new cult you joined?”

6.Senor Hsss blows it top at this: “CULT?” “Do you refer to the SOCRATIC CIRCLE of the
SNAKE SHAMAN?”

7.Senor Hsss is so digusted with Senor Hoss’ characterization of his club as a “cult”,
his first instinct is to display an air of pretentious arrogance, and faux-sympathetic
patrionization: “Pas du tout! I am sorry for you my friend. Really, I am. I see now that
your peculiarly personal species of gross philistine ignorance stems from depths even
darker than I had imagined.”


Drop-Kicked Out Of Dogbad

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1. Interior: Dogbad Saloon in the late afternoon.
Here we meet the Saloon Landlord, former Olympian bronze medalist
Theodore Simon Alvin David “Discus Ted” O’Neil. Discus Ted wastes
no words in simultaneously describing his mood and his moniker:
“I am Discus Ted. You are scaring my patrons.” These remarks are
directed on the endeaffened ears of Señors Hsss and Hoss, who have
lowered their consciousness by toasting and drinking each other
into a solemn stupor.
2. Having partook Discus Ted’s micro-brewing, Hsss & Hoss
experience his macro-bouncing. This isn’t the first time he’s
drop-kicked them both out, and it won’t likely be the last.
3. Refuse is hurled to underline the point.
4. Hsss & Hoss consider the awakening a coarse one.
Hsss: “Talk about non grata!” Hoss: “How, very, very rude!”
5. Señor Hsss examines his soiled and crushed sombrero.
He sees right away it will require expensive re-blocking.
What an inconvenience! He may have to send it abroad.
What will he wear? It’s the only hat he’s got.
Señor Hoss asks: “Where to now?” It’s getting late.
6. It doesn’t take Hsssy long to think of a plan:
“Less goap the mountain and wash the sun sit!”
7. Hoss thinks this is a Boney Day and says so. Pleased with
his idea, Señor Hsss congratulates himself: “Farm Edible!”
8. The sum is sitting in the distant maghreb, but it may as well
sit right on top of Señors Hsss and Hoss as they pass beyond
the town’s outer limits. If they notice the notice posted by Dogbad
Sheriff D D Divtag, we don’t notice:
“DON’T LET THE SUN SET ON YOU HERE, REPTILE.”


“Give the Anarchist a Segar!”

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1.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss have hit the road- observe how the road will hit them back.
They are going to hike up the mountain to see the sunset, but the sun has the jump on
them- it set before they got very far past the town limit.
Hoss is eager to shed his role as a socially-acceptable quadruped, and announces his
intention as soon as the pair are out of earshot of any Dogbad Town dogs.
“I suppose we’re out of town far enough.”

2.Hoss stretches his back and stands up on his hind legs without missing a beat:
“UuhhooOoEeee! Uzzat feel GOOD!”

3.Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss walk on. Señor Hoss: “I am SO tired of walking on all fours.”

4.Hoss unloads his frustrations: “All my friends know I’m bipedal… those town dogs don’t get it.”

5.Hoss: “Just TRY to stand up and walk on your own two feet- just TRY.”

6.Señor Hoss continues: “Them town-dogs look at you like you’re some kind of…”
7. “…ANARCHIST!”
8. Señor Hsss has a surprise in store for his pal: “Wall then, give the anarchist a SEGAR!”


Into The Mountains

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1. The sum has setted and it is now night time. Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss climb higher and higher into the hills to the remote mountains outside the town of Dogbad.

2. On a high mountain pass they find an ancient road sign. Beside the trail they spy an lonely sentinel: the shell of a desert tortoise apparently abandoned by its occupant. “What’s this?” asks Señor Hoss.

3. Señor Hsss decides to have a closer look: “Anybody HOME?”

4. After removing his sombrero (not shown), Señor Hsss impertinently sticks his head inside and continues to ask, “HELLO- Anybody HOME?”

5. The answer is “SNAP!” The carapace-house-holder is mightily displeased with the intrusion and bites the unwelcome intruder on the nose. Señor Hoss looks on in horror.

6. Señor Hsss screams with pain. Señor Hoss looks on with alarm.

7. Señor Hoss tries to rescue Señor Hsss by pulling him free. The tortoise is having none of it and his vice-like jaws will not slacken. A tug-of-war ensues between Señor Hoss and the tortoise, with Señor Hsss suffering the worst of it.

8. Señor Hoss does not notice a strange vulture descending from the fourth heaven, lighting upon the sign post.


Help From a Strange Buzzard

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1.Out of nowhere an impertinent buzzard lands on the weathered road sign.
“Tenacious tortoise, huh?”, squawked the buzzard. “Is he ticklish?”

2.The buzzard pulls a feather from his tail. “What say we find out? Señor Hoss is too taxed to reply.

3.The buzzard proffers the feather and continues: “Try THIS on him.” Señor Hoss drops Hsssy and reaches to accept the gift.

4.Hoss applies the device to the throat of the tortoise. He responds directly.

5.Hossy keeps tickling. The tortoise is laughing out loud now.

6.Señor Hoss presses the attack. The Tortoise is losing control.

7. SNAP! The tortoise lets go Sr Hsss and they tumble apart.

8. Señor Hoss, Señor Hsss, the tortoise and the vulture stare stunned at one another. The happy mood is somewhat spoiled. No one feels tickled now.


The Tortoise From Goldmine Sacks

Señor Hsss confronts an obnoxious tortoise named Overton Cuspidore. Cuspidore identifies himself as ‘a compliance officer at Goldmine Sacks’. Then things start to get strange…

VIEW IT LARGE!

1.Señor Hsss and the tortoise confront each other. “What’s the big idea?”, demands the tortoise. Señor Hsss replies: “You took the words right out of my mouth!”

2.Hsss picks up his sombrero and goads the tortoise with cool detachment: “Sorry I spoiled your nap, Daddy-o!”
The Tortoise is losing control.”NAP!?? You always barge into peoples’ office?”

3.”This is my OFFICE!” shouts the Tortoise. He is genuinely offended at what he considers an intrusion on his personal space.

4.”Office?” Señor Hsss and Señor Hoss look around in wonderment. The desert around them does not resemble any office either of them has ever seen.

5.The Tortoise brandishes a passport-sized identification document bearing his picture, name and place of employment:
“Cuspidore, Overton. Goldmine Sacks Employee Number 9069408000.”
“I’m a compliance officer at Goldmine-Sacks”, he brags.

6.”That’s WEIRD”, replies Señor Hsss. Cuspidore shoots back:”WEIRD? I have a stesdy job with a major Wall Street firm and I’m WEIRD?”
He gestures behind with his thumb toward the assorted rocks and cacti and appears to address them:
“HEY.FELLAS! I got a friggin’ snake in a sombrero, with a Fu Manchu mustache over here telling me what “weird” is!”

7.Like a Greek chorus in a bad peyote trip, the entire landscape animates to exclaim as one being:
“WE ALL WORK FOR GOLDMINE SACKS!”

8.Señor Hsss opens his mouth as if to scream in protest, but nothing comes out. His voice box is frozen.
Who ever heard a talking snake scream, anyway?


Hot Snow

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1.Señor Hoss is shaking Señor Hsss. “Señor Hsss! Wake up! It’s time!”Hsss is unknowingly dragged kicking and screaming from his nightmare of Goldmine Sacks.”MAL DIEU! What a horrible dream!”

2.As Señor Hsss emerges from the hypnogogic world he sees that the two of them are standing on a redrock cliff,overlooking a gigantic peaceful valley.”I don’t see amything” says Hsss.”Amy minnit now…” replies Hosss. It is past midnight, just before the first black thread of dawn.

3.WHOOOOMB! The peace of the valley is suddenly reduced to sub atomic particles.

4.Blinded by the unimaginably bright flash, the pair’s eyes gradually regain function- they see a burning orange bright mushroom cloud growing from the opposite side of the valley. “I’ll be the donkey’s mulberry!” Stutters Hoss. “Chup Bash!” spits Señor Hsss.

5.Hoss and Hss both feel an unfamiliar warm sensation on their skins. The discover a shower of micro-fine white particulate matter descending from the first heaven. “Is it snowing?” asks Señor Hoss, “There can’t be that much dandruff in the air!”

6.Señor Hsss catches some of the stuff on his tongue. It burns. “HOT SNOW?”, he asks aloud.

7.Señor Hsss wants none of it. “Let’s go hine!” he insists. Señor Hoss does not even consider it- he looks down at Señor Hoss, arguing: “WHAT! We came all this way, missed the sunset, didn’t see the sunrise, and now you want to go HOME?”

8.”Sob the sum rise” says Señor Hsss. “I’m goim’ hone.” It is not clear if he is transposing his consonants intetionally, or if he is displaying the effects of radiation sickness.He paraphrases an old song: “You want to see the sum rise? Just sit there and stare. “In the foreground, a red-complexioned stranger surveys our scene.


Purple Pee

On their way home from the mountains Senor Hsss has to urinate…every five minutes! As if that weren’t bad enough, he’s not just peeing, he’s peeing purple, with little gold flecks. Senor Hoss is markedly unsympathetic.

VIEW IT LARGE!

1.Senor Hsss is staring from behind a boulder. He flicks his tongue as his snake eyes burn through you.
“SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

2.Senor Hsss is grimacing and straining- streams of purple droplets spray the rock:
“SSS…SSSS…SSS!”

3.Senor Hsss has finished peeing on the rock. He is disturbed by what he sees- his urine has turned a bright purple, flecked with gold!

4.He yells to Senor Hoss standing nearby. “HOSS- Lookee here!” Hoss: “I don’t want to look!” Hsss:”NO, listen! Every time I pee-”

5.Hoss interrupts: “YOU, PEE? Snakes pee?” He continues in a sarcastic tone of voice. “I never knew that. Thanks for sharing.” “NO” exclaims Senor Hsss, “Hossy, this is serious.”

6.Hssy continues,”Ever since we came off the mountain for the last couple of days I’ve been peeing PURPLE… with little gold flecks”.
His concern is evident.

7.Senor Hoss stands silently regarding this development. Senor Hsss is worried- he looks up at Senor Hoss,
hoping his equine friend will proffer some good solution.

8.Senor Hoss has a sudden Eureka: “Lets head for the ASSAY OFFICE!”