Archive for April, 2012


Dogbad 17 Tajectory is my middle name!

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1.Señor Hsss remains locked inside the outhouse (see episode 16). He’s tried everything he could to get out. There’s a small crescent-shaped air hole in the locked door. He’s much too large to fit through the hole in the door; he only hurt his nose when he tried. Suddenly Hsss conceives a desperate gambit: if he receives enough JPEG COMPRESSION, maybe, just maybe, hecan squeeze through that hole! He turns toward the readers: “Did you locate the jpeg settings? See where it says “IMAGE OPTIONS”- PULL IT TO THE LEFT TO ABOUT ’6′.

2.Señor Hsss gets compressed- he’s gone all fuzzy. “THERE- That’s more like it!”

3.”Here goes!” Hsss takes aim and leaps at the small sliver of blue shining through the hole. “P-P-H-P-P-H-PP-PP-H-T-T-t-T-t-T-T-t-t-t!!” He hits the door hard.

4.”NGNGN!! NNNN!” Señor Hsss has managed to squeeze about halfway through. “I- NEED- MORE- COMPRESSION!”

5.Hsss sags in exaustion: “OWwwLLrrRAaghhu….,” he moans,”It’s still not enough.” Again he appeals to someone, anyone who is reading this strip.”Take her down to ’1′.”

6.He pulls again with all his might. “POP”- Suddenly, he is sailing through the sky above the town!

7.Señor Hsss soars through the air above the town of Dogbad! “WHEE! Trajectory is my middle name! I must be higher than Charlie Sheen!”


Dogbad 18 – Return of the Snake Shaman

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1. “I’m losing altitude!” Señor Hsss says to himself, as he begins to fall from orbit. Having popped through the hole in the outhouse door with all the force of his serpentine muscles (snakes are strong!), he propelled himself, projected high above the town of Dogbad. It’s a magnificent view, while it lasts.

2. There below, in the dirt and dust of Dogbad High Street, Señor Hoss, the Debbil and Kit McKlaw stare amazed as their scaly friend rapidly approaches from above. Señor Hsss gives a polite warning: “”Lookout below!”

3. Predictably, Señor Hsss crashes to earth with a large Don-Martinese sound: “THOOONT!”

4. “Just call me ‘Tory’”, quips the compressed Hssster. If Trajectory is his middle name, he’s a tragic Tory in a Majick Story.

5. Suddenly, a heavy wheeled object ZOOMs past, mussing everyone’s fur, scales,and stubble.

6. “WHAT the DUESENBERG was THAT?”, they ask. They are taken by surprise, but they got the ‘make’ right. Amidst wind, dust and fumes a 1930 Duesenberg speeds down the High Street toward the newly-expended and expanded Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gulag Gambling casino. Neither Hsss, nor Hoss nor McKlaw has ever set foot in this notorious establishment. As for mesure le Diable, they wouldn’t hazard to guess.

7. Stopping in front of the main entrance we see the dapper figure of the Snake Shaman stepping out with his date, the glamorous Miss Condomleeza Cobra.

8. The quartet stand mute for a moment before they recognize the Snake Shaman. Señor Hsss is lost for words. “It’s the Shaman!”, exclaims Kit. “What’s he doing THERE?”, wonders Hoss. Perhaps we’ll find out…


Dogbad 19 – Meet Mister Duckbutter

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1. Señor Hsss is rattling with excitement over the unexpected sight of his serpent-guru, the Snake Shaman. “We’ve got to see the Shaman- He’ll help us! He knows EVERYTHING!” “Oh, really?”, replies Kit McKlaw. Kit’s not so sure. He’s had dealings with the Shaman once before, and regards him as little more than a cranky old fool who’s spent too much time in the sun. Hoss is ambivalent, and looks askance. The Debbil just looks.

2. Señor Hoss speaks his equine mind: “I do not share your abiding faith in that shaggy shamanist, my serpent friend, but I’m game for anything if it will remove this unsightly blemish.” He points his hoof at the execrable attachment on his back, and the Debbil responds with a razzle-berry in Hoss’s direction. How could an entity so old act so immature?

3. The contradistinctive quartet approaches the front entrance to the Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gambling Casino. The polished, oversized double doors are guarded by a thin, over-dressed doorman. An obnoxiously obsequious creature, one Mister Herschel Duckbutter, snaps to attention and robotically dribbles out what is perhaps the slimiest expression in contemporary language: “May I help you?” “Yes-” replies Señor Hsss, “We’re meeting someone” continues Hoss, “Inside” finishes McKlaw.

4. Mister Duckbutter gleefully recites his well-rehearsed, opprobrious address: “I’m terribly sorry, sirs- we DO have a dress code for the gentlemen. Please feel free to visit our website for full details.”

5. Our boys do not resond well to this approach. “Why that prissy little high-toned jimcrack-!” seethes Hsss. “I’d like to stomp his girlfriend’s pet gerbil. We’re ten times badder than this phony fag bar.” “Cool your scales, Hissy-” replies Kit, “we’ll show ‘em OUR dress code.” McKlaw has no time for gerbils. Neither of them have a moment to waste trying to imagine what a Duckbutter’s girlfriend would look like, if he had one.

6. Kit and Hsss step around back of the building where a steady traffic of workers and over-loaded linen trolleys moves in and out of the hotel’s steamy laundry complex. “There are other ways to gain entry” observes Kit McKlaw.

7. Inside the casino, upstairs, a dangerous looking pair of serpent gunsels guards the door of a private room, in which a high-stakes poker game is about to be underway.

8. At the head of the table sits the smiling Snake Shaman, his girl on his arm as he proffers a fresh deck of cards to his off-camera opponent: “Here- you deal.”


Dogbad 20 – Dogs Who Play Poker!

Upstairs at the Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gambling Casino, in a private room, Dogbad’s baddest high rollers are facing off and knuckling down in a high-stakes poker game.

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1. Upstairs at the Golden Derivative Guaranteed Safe Gambling Casino, inside a heavily-guarded private room, Dogbad’s baddest high rollers are seated around a large green felt-covered gaming table. To our left among them we see Doug Dieu Henri (pronounced “dog-doo on rye”), a bestial gambler whose malevolent gaze intimidates anyone who dares make eye contact.

2. To our right sits the owner and proprietor of the Dogbad Saloon, “Discus Ted” O’Neil, spiffed out in his most costliest powder-blue silk suit. Discus Ted is stylin’! He’s dressed to win.

3. Mostly ignoring the rest of the players are the twins Harmine and Telepathine, joint heiresses to the Silly Water patent medicine fortune.

4. Further up the table we see the old-money cattle baron and railroad tycoon, hedge-fund hobbyist Benton Flush. Mister Flush is keeping his own counsel while he dominates the room, playing his cards close to his chest.

5. Dogbad’s foul-tempered Sheriff D.D. Divtag sits drinking and smoking a sour-smelling cigar.

6. Most deadly of all is dangerous Daring Daylight- the slickest poker player this side of the far east.

7. Discus Ted goes head-to-head with Mister Benton Flush: “I’ll bet four hundred dollars.” Mister Flush is equal to any challenge. “I’ll see it and raise you five hundred.”

8. Daring Daylight makes her move: “I can match your bets, gentlemen, and raise it by 1000 sestertii, two Swiss franks (sic), a Faberge egg, and this 22-karat signed, cuneiform first edition Song of Gilgamesh.”