Archive for February, 2012


The Debbil in the Details

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1. Back in Dogbad town, Señor Hoss and Señor Hsss approach the office of the town’s resident Assayer, Mister Wurlitzer, a wordy dog who never states in three words what could be said with twenty. Señor Hoss holds high hope that Señor Hsss’s strange urinary disorder could net them both some bullion dividends- if they play their cards right!

2. They enter the Assayer’s Office. It is dark within the small room. There are no windows, and no lamps. Having given a small glass bottle containing Señor Hsss’s sample, they stand silently as their eyes adjust to the dark sienna ombre. Mister Wurlitzer stands inside a barred cage enclosure, carefully rolling the bottle in his hand, squinting through his C-bridge pince-nez:”This is a rather very small sample- very rather. I’ll see what I can do but in the mean time try to drink a lot of liquids and return to me a more substantial measure…
Try very hard.”
Hanging beneath the counter is a notice:
“IF YOU EXPECT TO RATE AS A GENTLEMAN DO NOT EXPECTORATE ON THE FLOOR.”

3. Retiring to the inside of the Dogbad Saloon, Señors Hsss and Hoss evade the steely glare of the landlord. If “Discus Ted” is holding a grudge against them, he is keeping it to himself for the moment.
Señor Hoss buys a pint and tries to get Señor Hsss to join in. Señor Hsss only stares at the bar top. Hoss cajoles his friend to join in libation.”I don’t know why you’re so down in the mouth- if it’s what I think it is we could be rich! Worst case scenario, if you got Lou Gehrig’s Disease or something… we’ll probably still have enough left to pay the Neptune Society.”
Hsss is unmoved.

4. The two are beginning to notice the atmosphere within the saloon is strangely alive- hyperelectric, for want of a better term, with little dots, molecules even, dancing within the air, the walls, even their dialogue baloons. Colours are remarkably bright, and their very beings pulse with a supernatural energy. This is very non-ordinary. They’ve been in this room five hundred times before but they’ve never seen it as it is now. Hoss keeps the monologue going: “I’m sure it’s probably nothin’- the desert does strange things… I’m not feeling so great myself… my beck hurts like a sump batch.”

5. Suddenly some kind of hell breaks forth in the precise part of Hoss’s back that Hoss was dwelling on. His hind quarter jumps up and down involuntarily as it projects the kind of noises you hear when Mighty Mouse is pounding a single-stroke roll down on the head of Oil Can Harry: “BOUDOU-BOUDOU-BOUDOU!”

6. Hoss can’t believe what he is experiencing. It hurts like a battleship full of kidney stones. A strange, writhing mass of undifferentiated tissue is rising out of his rump, punching and grasping the space around it as it grows bigger and more humanoid in shape.

7. Within ninety seconds (seeming ninety lifetimes to poor Señor Hoss) a fully articulated torso has grown out of Hoss’s butt. It is alive, conscious, malevolent and red and stinging hot like a barrel of Tabasco sauce. The creature comes in swinging a heavy Herculean club. His eyes burn with malicious intent and his countenance is like some daemon from a fifteenth century Tibetan Tanka. He looks mean. He IS mean, and he is attached to Señor Hoss like a Siamese Twin Devil. This does not bode well.

8. The Debbil whams the club direct on top Hoss’s head, spewing stars and nearly knocking his teeth out.
What a situation!


Discus Ted Gets Mad & Hoss Goes to Jail with the Debbil

Authors Note: I spell ‘jail’ G-A-O-L- sometimes. Look it up if you have a problem.

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1.”Discus” Ted is incensed at the noisy, raucous hubbub whirling around poor Señor Hoss. He leaps up onto the bar and addresses the now bifurcated, beat-up equine. He doesn’t care that this uninvited crimson combatant, this Crimson Debbil has, in fact, unexpectedly sprouted out of the very body of his victim- to Ted they are just a couple of unruly customers, and for Hoss, it’s not his first offense. “That’s enough! You yeggs are outa here- I had all I’m gonna take a you bums!”

2.The Debbil and Señor Hoss regard Discus Ted in silence. Hoss is reeling from the blows he has received from that mean ol’ debbil.

3.Ted calls for Deputy Bucky Skank: “Dep-dee, take these bums where they can’t do no more harm.” Author’s Note: Could Ted be slyly referring to harmine, or harmaline, the reduced hydrated form of harmine? Harmaline and harmine both flouresce under ultraviolet light, and this property could account for the strangely bright colour scheme we’ve experienced over the past several panels. Does the landlord spike the beer with the stuff? If so, why, this whole episode may be oneirophrenic! How do you know, dear readers, that you are not dreaming? “With pleasure!” Bucky replies as he leads the two malefactors to the Dogbad hoosegow.

4.Confined in the dark and filthy gaol cell, Hoss tries to make relevant small talk with the debbil: “I don’t suppose you have any money, do you?” He knows what imprisonment is about. It’s a way for the gaolers and their financiers to get money for nothing.

5.Help is on the way. Word travels fast in small towns, and Kit McKlaw has been looking all over Dogbad for Hoss. Now he’s heard: Hoss is in Hoosegow-Hock for fighting with a strange-looking foreigner. McKlaw arrives at the gaol house to post bail for his Hoss. Kit doesn’t like Bucky Skank, and the feeling is mutual. Kit: “I hear you got my Hoss in here.” Bucky: “Yup. That’ll be sixty dollars.”

6.Deputy Bucky continues: “Thirty dollars for your Hoss and thirty dollars for the Chink.” Hearing this makes Kit angry. He is being baited.

7.Kit is not about to take this kind of abuse from a dog: “Now, hold on there, Bucky! I never saw that feller before- and what’s that ‘chink’ business about, anyhow?” Bucky replies defensively: “Well, he don’t speak English. And he don’t look like no Injun, do he? He looks sort of…Early Rental.”

8.Kit throws gold money on the desk. He has no time for banter with a half-wit mutt. McKlaw has the last word: “Bucky, your gross ignorance and insensitivity are staggering, and may be compared only to your GREED-”


Dogbad 13

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1.Fresh out of gaol on sixty dollars bail, Hoss is happy to see his friend Kit McKlaw. He still has the devil on his back, however. McKlaw: “Feel like introducin’ me to your new partner, Hoss?” Hoss is not amused at the inferrance:”He’s not my partner! He just sort of grew on me-”

2.Hoss continues,”Then he started beatin’ on me with a club.” He turns to the demon:”Say, what do they call you?”

3.The debbil releases a torrent of halitosical apocrypha from the Sixth or Seventh book of Moses that nearly suffocates Hoss and Kit, who barely manage to remain conscious.

4.The stench of the debbil’s breath is overwhelming. Kit hurls hairballs, a baseball, an eightball, three goldfish, a tapeworm and other items. He clutches his stomache. Hoss gasps:”EGAD,Man! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?”

5.The debbil thinks for a moment before answering:”Hmm, let me think- About nine thousand years ago.” He’s lying. He’s never brushed his teeth.

6.The debbil further makes his point by expelling something more unpleasant. Kit McKlaw and Señor Hoss can hardly believe their eyes. This is a comic strip! It’s supposed to be “kid-friendly”. The Debbil is friendly to no-one, however. They’ve got to get rid of this guy!

7.”It wasn’t me!” explains Hoss. McKlaw knows it wasn’t. The debbil thumbs his nose at them. Kit looks down and sighs, “My Hoss is…occupied.”

8.Suddenly they look up to see a new establishment across the street. “Well, I’ll be…” says Kit. “The donkey’s mulberry!” continues Hoss. There, before them sits a clap-board house-remodelled store-front displaying an array of large painted signs. At the top of a ladder a dog dressed in a kind of monkey suit wielding a hammer affixes a sign that reads “PAY DAY LOANS”.